LGBTQ+ Funeral Planning Guide Part 2

Is funeral planning different when your partner is not your spouse? What should LGBTQ+ families consider when making funeral arrangements? Keep reading for part two of Tulip’s preplanning funeral guide for unmarried couples and lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, and queer families. 

Preplanning can alleviate some of the stress of a very emotional time and ensure your wishes are respected. These conversations must occur in an environment of understanding, respect, and love.

Planning Ahead for LGBTQ+ Families

The unique needs of LGBTQ+ families and individuals often stem from societal attitudes, legal regulations, and personal identity issues, among others. You should know that domestic partners may or may not have the same authority as a blood relative. Some family members might only respect your relationships and personal preferences with your specific wishes in writing. 

All the more reason why everyone, regardless of identity, orientation, or marital status, needs to put their final wishes in writing to eliminate questions or confusion. 

Recognition

LGBTQ+ families deserve to be acknowledged and validated for who they are. Funeral homes and other death care providers should strive to create a safe and inclusive environment where their unique identities and relationships are recognized and respected.

Relationships

Recognizing same-sex spouses, non-binary or transgender partners, and non-traditional family structures shows respect for you and your loved ones. For instance, chosen family members—people who are not biologically related but have significant relationships with the deceased—should be recognized and included in the planning and proceedings.

Cultural Sensitivity

Incorporating cultural and symbolic elements that honor the deceased's LGBTQ+ identity can be significant. This could include specific readings, music, or other rituals that reflect an individual’s identity and community.

Gender Identity 

The laws and processes for changing gender markers on legal documents vary widely depending on jurisdiction. Some regions may require evidence of medical transition, while others require only a simple declaration. 

Click here to read Part 1 of LGBTQ+ Funeral Planning

Changing Gender on Documents and Headstones

A recent law in New York State permits non-binary individuals to use “X” as a gender marker on birth, marriage, and death certificates. However, not all states and territories are as accommodating to trans and non-binary people. 

Individuals who want to use a different name or gender marker on their death certificates must update their birth certificates and other legal documents. Here are a few resources that can help:

• The National Center for Transgender Equality offers guidance on changing official documents for trans and non-binary individuals in all 50 states.
• The Social Security Administration does not require legal or medical evidence of your sex designation, but you must prove your identity and citizenship status. 
• Veterans who want to change their identity on a birth certificate must complete a form through the VA’s Privacy Officer. 
• The American College of Trust and Estate Counsel has a helpful video for changing your name or gender on vital documents, plus information on legal protections for LGBTQ individuals.

Gender on Headstones and Plaques 

You may choose the gender marker on a headstone or plaque that reflects your identity, even without legal documents. If your loved one passed without making their wishes known, use the chosen name and pronouns they used in life. Ensure that the cemetery, cremation garden, or columbarium will not try to thwart your desired headstone’s name or gender marker.