How to Talk to Children About Grief

We can’t protect our kids from loss, but we can help them understand that grieving is a healthy, normal reaction. Children grieve in their own ways. Keep reading for tips on how to talk to children and teens about grief, suggested books, and links to helpful resources. 

For many kids, their first experience with death is losing a pet. While we are not diminishing the importance of this loss, this guide focuses on helping children deal with grief from losing a grandparent, parent, sibling, or another important person in their lives. 

Many factors influence how children react to death, including their age, life experience, emotional and intellectual maturity, and the closeness of their relationship to the person who died. 

But overwhelmingly, children take cues from their parents and the adults around them. Are they in a supportive environment with lots of safe zones? Will they be judged or disciplined if they do not act or react in a specific way? 

You can guide children toward healthy coping skills regarding death and grief by keeping a few things in mind.

Be Truthful Using Simple, Gentle Words

Honesty is the best policy when it’s time to tell your child that someone has died. Use clear and direct words appropriate for your child’s age and maturity. Put yourself in a position where you are face-level with your child, perhaps sitting next to each other or your child sitting on your lap.  

When you put your feelings into words, you make it easier for your child to share their feelings. And while you might not want to express everything about your grief, it’s okay to cry and show sadness if that’s what you’re feeling. 

Avoid Euphemisms About Death

Adults know that death is permanent and inevitable. Children do not. That’s why saying things like “We lost Grandma” or “Aunt Becky passed away” is more frightening and confusing than saying “died.” Imagine how scary it is for a five-year-old to hear that their beloved Papa went to sleep and never woke up. It could be weeks or months before they willingly or eagerly go to bed, and there could be long-term emotional damage. 

You Might Have to Repeat the Conversation… 

Very young children do not understand that death is permanent since many movies, television shows, and video games have characters who come back to life. School-age kids might know that death is permanent but is rare and won’t affect them. Don’t be surprised if a preschooler seemingly understands the news in the morning but asks for Grandmom to tuck them into bed that night. It will take a little time for the finality to sink in. 

…And Be Prepared for Questions

Children have questions about everything, and death (and the grief that follows) sparks many questions. Sensitive children often ask if the person was in pain or if death hurts. Older children and adolescents will worry about their health or the health of their parents, siblings, and other relatives.

When answering questions about the death process, be clear and calm. You can reassure your child with answers appropriate to their age and emotional maturity. Your responses also depend on the circumstances, age, and health of the person who died.

Let Kids Grieve Their Way

Some might cry. Others might want to return to what they were doing before you told them. Some might want to hug and snuggle; others might want to go to a friend’s house. The most important thing you can do is to listen and comfort them in a loving, non-judgemental way.